Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Black and White

Hello, my name is Terri Perdomo and I am the wife of an alcoholic! (this is where everyone says "we love you Terri", but we can forego that) :). My husband for the first 5 years of our marriage was a raging alcoholic. He hasn't had a drink for 2 years and a few days, and I am so proud of him. He was able to quit cold turkey. Decided one day to give it all up and work for the life he thought we should have. The first 3 months into his sobriety were tough!! He went to AA meetings faithfully 6-7 times a week, but there were times when I would come home from work and he would be wrapped up in a blanket asleep on the couch, and I kept waiting for the hammer to drop. I waited and waited until about 5 months into it, I decided to stop waiting and just move forward.

My husband is a remarkably hard worker when he puts his mind to it. When he says he'll do something, he does it. This has enabled him to go to bars and not drink while others are. The bar at out local Dennys (I know, it's a little bit white-trash), knows that when he comes in, he gets an O'douls. His friends have been amazingly supportive and while he may not go to meetings much anymore, he has and, I believe, will stick to his guns and not drink anymore. He was super strong while his brother lived with us and drank like a fish!!! (I estimated that within 2 months, his brother had spent close to $2,000 on booze!!!!!!)

I won't go into the copious amounts of fights that we had over his drinking, nor about how I had finally made up my mind to leave him 2 days before he went to his first meeting, but life was tough. Granted, I had picked this life when we got married, but I thought, as every girl thinks, that it was going to be easy to "change" him. Who won't change for love, right??? BLAH BLAH BLAH!!! But the last 2 years have been a dream!!! We still argue, but it's no longer hopeless.....


My husband knows that it is pretty much in black and white that he will never be able to drink again, and he's ok with this.


He's absolutely flummoxed when it comes to my dieting. For example, I have been making an amazing shake every morning for breakfast. It starts my day off right and is all natural and makes me feel great!! (if you want to know more, just let me know) :) I had to reorder more, but the order will not make it before I have to go without the shake for 1, maybe 2, days. It was just an oversight on my part, yet he has taken this as a clue that I am no longer dieting (by the way, I hate the word 'diet', but for the sake of trying to come up with something new off the top of my head, it will have to do). This morning I got a tlking to about what I needed to do and how I am failing at my diet. He only succeeded in making me want to by a whole box of Twinkies (which I HAVE NOT done). He and I are at an impasse when it comes to my attempts at taking care of my body. He thinks it is so cut and dry, and he sees my attempts as failures and that I am simply not trying hard enough! I am frustrated beyond words with him. Let me stipulate though, that he has never made me feel "fat", he has enjoyed my curves, still calls me sexy, and we have an amazingly 'good time' together (wink wink). He is just worried about my health.

But he is going about it all wrong!!! I love him dearly, but my relationship with food is my battle that I have to come to grips with and once I do that, then it will become black and white, but for right now, we are in the grey.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Just Bend Down and Pick it Up!!!

I need to get this off my chest.... I AM LAZY!!!! My middle name is Procrastinate. Why do something now if I can do it tomorrow? Served me alright in school. Sure I was under the pressure sometimes, but I got good grades, and who doesn't give their best when it's all on the line right??? BLAH BLAH BLAH!!! This lack of motivation has carried over into my adult life and I have learned nothing!!!
I almost missed the due date to send in my husbands papers for his citizenship, I went one year without renewing my drivers license, and that little piece of hotdog that fell on the kitchen floor? Hard as a rock and had an unidentifiable color when I finally swept the floor!!
I have a huge list of New Years Resolutions. I will NOT bore you with all of them, (although I reserve the right to talk about them later) but I am going to chat about one. One that I am so ashamed to admit. I hate bending down to pick things up!! I have, although, gotten very adept at using my toes to pick up a vast array of fallen articles. I will usually kick it out of the way thinking I will pick it up later. ....later usually means very much later.....
so for this New Year I have resolved to pick any and all fallen objects up the minute they touch the floor.... Seems small, minute even, but for me it's a HUGE deal.
I was at the grocery store the other day and a jalapeno fell out of the basket. I did my normal kick it to the side, but remembered my new responsibility and actually bent down and retrieved it!!!! What the heck?? That little act of movement started my day off so completely right! I know I can do this! I got home and actually mopped the floor, when I dropped my comb, I actually bent down and picked it up instead of using my toes..... and the day went on and on....
Now that I am able to reflect on this, it isn't the act of bending down, it's that I am actually following through... This act has helped me clean my kitchen before I go to bed, fix my lunch the day before and so on and so on....
Baby steps is all!!!!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Tired of being fat!!

I am soooo tired of being fat. I am tired of going into the store and having to shop off the back of the rack or having to find the "Womens" section. (When did the word "womens" become synonymous with being fat anyways?) I am tired of feeling unsexy and not wholly comfortable in my own skin.

So why don't you change it Terri?? You may ask. And I will slap you in the face!!! It's hard! It sucks! And sometimes it hurts!! I know I don't have anyone to blame for my present condition but myself. I didn't get this way from eating too many veggies. I don't blame my glands. I love food! I love all kinds of food. I love the feel of having my mouth full of something that is inevitably bad for me. I love the feeling of euphoria that comes over me for those precious 5 minutes before the guilt sets in. I eat when I am sad. I eat when I am happy, confused, crazy, bewildered, celebrating etc etc. As a child I remember having to buy the sizes with the X's behind the numbers. As a teen it was hard to find clothes that fit and were comfortable (thank heavens I was a teen during the stir-up pants era). And as an adult I really truly am tired of wearing clothes that are ill-fitting because I can't afford to buy from the specialty shops. I want to walk into Old Navy, The Gap, Nordstrom (just to try on), and any other store and be able to buy off the rack!!! That is my goal!!

I am working on it!!!!! But I have said that before too. But I feel as if this latest go-around with the weight loss is different.
#1. I am working out in the morning versus after work so I don't come up with lame excuses to not go to the gym.
#2. I am in WW again and I love working on these small goals of 5lbs and then 10%. They seem much more attainable rather than the 150lbs that I should lose!!
#3. I have a workout buddy and a WW buddy and a blog buddy.
#4. I am truly committed to getting healthy so I can have a baby.
#5. I am actually liking it when I sweat. That way I know I have just worked my arse off.

I'm hoping to add to that list as I try to get off soda and can manage my cravings for sweets.

I know this time around is going to work. I may slip up and fall into a cake every now and then, but I WILL NOT GIVE UP!!!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

2 Perfect Days

In my past 35 years I have had a lot of bad days, OK days, good days, sad days, happy days, and crazy days, but there have only been 2 perfect days that I think about on those days that I am blue.

#1- Growing up I had an amazing group of girls (there were 6 of us) from church that did everything together. I loved these girls (women now), and treasure each memory. One summer about 2 years before I got married, we decided to get together in Arizona and have a reunion. We hadn't all been together in a while due to college, marriages and children. We had a great time, albeit crazy from my friends baby who had an allergic reaction to neosporine, to blow-ups about where we should eat. Through it all we maintained our good humor, laughed a ton and cried a little!!....But back to my perfect day. My friend Ida and I had driven my parents van into Arizona and we needed to drive it back to my folks and pick up my own car before we trekked on back to Washington. The day we left Arizona was warm and beautiful. We had gone to church earlier and we were just hanging in skirts and flip-flops. About 20 minutes into our drive back, we turned off the AC, rolled down our windows and turned on Bonnie Raitt full blast. We snacked on sunflower seeds and red licorice and just let the wind blow thru our hair. We didn't feel the need to talk, we enjoyed the beautiful desert scenery until the sun went down and there was a nip in the air. That was a day when I let everything slide off the shoulders and let myself have not a care in the world. It was a perfect day!

#2- I really enjoy shopping. I don't have much money, but when there is something I like, want or need, I love to shop and find it. I love window shopping, I love mall shopping and I LOVE Target. But, there are not many people I will go shopping with. I HATE to be hurried, I HATE to feel like I am dragging someone after me and I HATE shopping with my husband (he is too practical). I adore shopping with my mom (we are still on the hunt for the perfect pair of jeans for her long legs). I like shopping with my friend Rachel (we both have weight issues and we can be completely honest with each other), but...
I LOVE shopping with my best friend Amy. One day when I was down doing the daughterly duty and visiting my folks in St. George, I met up with Amy and we hit the town. We had kinda sorta been growing apart (thats what life does) and I wasn't sure how things were going to go. I think we did lunch and then we ended up hanging out in Target for close to 2 hours! We tried on every shoe, we laughed and we made snarky comments about everything! I had a great time and felt like we had really reconnected. I went back to my folks with a smile on my face and a lighter heart. Sounds silly, but it was a perfect day!


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Apples and Oranges

Remember that saying:
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"? What a crock!! I think at times I would prefer a stone to harsh words. And words are hardly forgotten.

I remember once as I was struggling at the age of 23 what I wanted to do with my life, I was having an intense discussion with my father in which I felt he was bossing me around. His frustration level was rising and he just blurted, "Why can't you be more like your mother?" A few things about my mom. She is the strongest woman I know. She has reservoirs of strength that rival the oil deposits in Alaska! She is the most determined woman I know, smart, pretty and loyal. When my dad said those words, all fight went out of me and I felt like I just wasn't measuring up to anyones expectations. I grew up with my grandmother always telling me to 'help your mother, she works so hard' and 'your mother is such a terrific person'. Things I never and will never dispute, but....

My mom is great, but I felt like people were not looking at ME! I wasn't my mom!! I never had her drive, and I never really wanted it either. I loved my mom, but felt like people were always wanting me to be like her. She was an apple, and I was an orange!! I never pick up an orange and say "I am so disappointed that you aren't an apple" or "why can't you be more like an apple?" I know that my father wasn't trying to hurt me, and he later apologized, but those words hurt. And since then, I have a deep fear of being compared to everyone else. And as I look back upon my life, I feel like I have missed out on a lot of opportunities because of that fear. I wasn't a wallflower by any means, but I always had that little niggling in the back of my brain.

And I still do. But with age comes wisdom, and also a 'who gives a crap' attitude. And it's that attitude I am trying to cultivate. I am who I am!! So go suck it!!!

PS- my relationship with my mother has since become the one I most treasure. As I have gotten older, she has become my best friend. I love her tons!! I'm still not "like" her, but I have worked thru that!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

About Time

I was told this weekend that it was time for an update. I guess she was right. Just read my last post and was kind of put off by how much of a downer I was, but I really do want to write my true and real feelings. It is hard for me to truly convey on a keyboard how I really feel.
#1. I am afraid of being completely honest. I am afraid of people (namely family and close friends) judging me. I am not perfect, nor do I expect people to expect me to be, but....
#2. I push the backspace ALOT! Not only am I a horrible speller, but I sometimes feel as if my words are trite and not relevant. I guess my prowess as a typist and writer will improve as I am a more stalwart member of this blog!

I think I am going to start todays post by letting you in on a little secret. .... I once got drunk!!!! Ack! Gasp! For anyone reading this who is thinking "only once"?, let me tell you a few other things. I was raised in a devout LDS (mormon) household. Maybe I should say "normal" mormon household versus devout. We tried, we honestly truly tried. My mom would grind her own wheat for homemade bread, she attempted to make some of my clothes, we went to church every Sunday, my folks attended to their callings and we followed the teachings and doctrines of Jesus Christ. It was a fairly 'normal' upbringing. One that I am truly proud of. I always knew I was loved, I was always kept safe, and I grew up with a knowledge of a loving Father in Heaven. That has always been a comfort to me. So....

Back to me being a drunkard!!!
My husband was a very heavy drinker for the first 5 and 1/2 years of our marriage, and having had the upbringing I had, I knew the dangers of alcohol and knew to stay away from it. Needless to say, there was a hot summer day when Luis and I went to Azteca and I decided to order a margarita. It tasted horrible at first, but with the urging of my fine husband I drank the whole thing and it started to taste heavenly!! It also started to get really warm in the restaurant and I started to get really loud too. One Margarita, you ask? Remember, this was my first taste of anything alcoholic. After the restaurant we went to Bartells where I was still warm and still loud. Luis loves to say "Is it hot in here?" because that was my line all evening until I fell asleep. LOL!! I still chuckle to myself about that whole experience. I will not say that that was my last beverage, but it was my most memorable.
I had kept that as my (Luis was under oath never to tell) dirty little secret until a couple months ago I was at my parents and we were just gabbing about something, maybe we had seen a commercial on t.v, but my dad asked me if I had ever gotten drunk. I proceded to tell them the story and we all had a good laugh over it!

I guess these experiences are just a little glimpse into who I am. I want to be honest no matter what people may think. And even though it wasn't a huge thing for a lot of you out there, it was for me. To actually come clean!!!

So, for future posts, I will be me.....
the me who is stuggling with fertility
the me who is still a mormon girl, but struggling with my relationship with the church
the me who married a Guatemalan
the me who's husband is a recovering alcoholic (17 months to be exact)
the me who is overweight and desperately wants to not be

Sounds like alot of 'me's. But that's what blogging is about right? The chance to say/write anything I want to!!!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

A Month of Thanks

Can I tell you that I am really struggling this month? Can I tell you that it has been really hard to find things that I am grateful for? In light of the current living situation at home and startling news from family, I have been through the ringer emotionally.
No worries, Luis and I are going strong and supporting each other through life. He is, by the way celebrating his 11 months of sobriety!! Couldn't be prouder!
My mother-in-laws visit couldn't have gone more sour. She was very hard to get along with and I felt like I tried pretty dang hard! For how cute she is, she is a handful. I understand that she has very little in her life to find joy about, but please, she brought me waaaay down! For the 2 months that she stayed with us, there is very little to talk about. She refused to eat my cooking and pouted when we couldn't go to the casino every weekend! ACK! But that is in the past and right now she is in Florida working on her citizenship. I really hope it works out!
My brother-in-law has been living with us for 3 months now. And in those 3 months he has spent over $2000 in alcohol! It's amazing and disgusting! Every weekend he has a bender and then it takes 2 days of recovery. One good thing is that he doesn't push Luis to drink with him. Luis has said that this has been good medicine for him because he doesn't want to look and act like that when he is 48!
Enough of the complaining already! Sheesh! OK. I got that out of my system and even though I am behind, willtry hard to find something every day to be thankful for!